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Proverbs 24:3-4, 13, 14
By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.
My child, eat honey, for it is good, and the drippings of the honeycomb are sweet to your taste. Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, you will find a future, and your hope will not be cut off.
I Corinthians 13 (selected verses)
“This love of which I speak is slow to lose patience -- it looks for a way of being constructive. It is not possessive: it is neither anxious to impress nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own importance.
“Love has gentle manners and does not pursue selfish advantage. It is not touchy, nor does it keep account of evil or gloat over the weakness of other people. On the contrary, it is glad with all good people when truth prevails.
“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen....
“In this life we have three great lasting qualities -- faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
Today is the 100 anniversary of Father's Day, an observance that was begun by a woman who wanted to honor her father who raised 7 children, the last an infant, after his wife died in childbirth. The YMCA and Ministerial Alliance of Spokane, Washington joined with the founder to make this a national holiday.
There's an emerging men's literary genre that's domestic in orientation, looks with measured nostalgia but is thoroughly modern and labeled “dad-lit.” It's heralded by such titles as Home Game: An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood, Manhood for Amateurs, and Through The Children's Gate. For our “Hallmark Holiday,” the New York Times published no fewer than six multi-column reports, reviews, and essays on fatherhood with banner headlines like, “Fathering Gains Respect From Experts (and Mothers).” Learn fathering techniques from “First Person Masculine,” or from certain primates, or discover that anew paternity leave law redefined masculinity in Sweden. Gentlemen, we are on a roll, happy father's day!
The 19th century humorist, Josh Billings, offered not a book but a succinct view of fathering, “To bring up children in the way they should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.” The popular 20th century essayist, Robert Fulghum proffered commonsense advice to fathers, “Don't worry that your children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.” St. Paul's summary of the masculine side of the Divine is still my fathering goal of choice; embrace the “Love that knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope –the greatest of these is love.”
During early ‘dad-hood' I found a single worthy book on fathering and one or two on parenting. The recent entrance of our little Boxer, Callie, 5 Cesar Millan and 2 Uncle Matty videos, 4 books on bringing a dog into your life, and 2 of 5 puppy and family dog classes at the Marin Humane Society reinforced that all the fatherhood books, as all dog training guides, are really not about the kids or the dog, they're about training me to be a dad and the alpha male with Callie. It's not about being the perfect dad, no matter what you tell yourself, regardless of societal pressures trying to convince you otherwise – mercifully, there isn't such a thing, and thank God! On the contrary, fathering is knowing yourself and showing up and being present; it's about authenticity not perfection, it's fathers and children sharing roles and mutual discoveries, and making sure a child knows she or he belongs and you'll guide them in their becoming.
Let's shift a bit. I've had at six fathers in my lifetime; how many have you had? My biological father was the stern, hard working, perfectionist and survivor of the Great Depression. As most fathers, he did the best he could with what he had. While he read blue prints I read novels and, eventually, psychology, philosophy, and theology, a fact that completely confounded him and left me feeling distinctly incapable. My second father, who died in February, loved plays, movies, and literature. Curiously, and to their credit, my father and dad number 2 were good friends if exact opposites. I also had three intellectual fathers and a professional father – although one may be tempted to give the last the more formal label of mentors, the way each approached our relationships was very fathering. Take a moment and picture each of your “fathers” and now feel your gratitude for their unique gifts to you.
In a societal shift, much of the current dad-lit unapologetically assert that “father's don't mother, they father.” The authors insist that dads not deprecate their fathering roles. They celebrate the unique engagement of fathers and children and offer practical, masculine ideas for increased involvement and decreased anxiety about fathering roles. To be sure, there are vital elements of mothering-in-fathering as well as essential elements of fathering-in-mothering. There is also good evidence that those roles can still be played out effectively in families without a traditional father or mother. Bottom line, dads, it looks like you and the kids study together, play games, tell tall tales, build things, jump creeks, catch frogs, go on adventures, and transparently display your awe and wonder, and your sense of mystery and majesty –you get to be a guy with your kids.
Recent studies from U. C. San Diego, the University of Chicago, and the Families and Work Institute of New York indicate that men have significantly increased their time with family while decreasing work time by being more efficient and less compulsive while yet remaining successful. And, when mothers encourage and support men in fathering roles, engagement increases in both quantity and quality of time. An important finding for dads: a researcher asked 1,000 children their “one wish” for their parents. The majority wished not for more time but rather that their parents were less tired and stressed (Galinsky, Ask The Children).
One of the most compelling and powerful books in the dad lit genre is Bruce Feiler's, The Council of Dads. Feiler is a prolific and popular writer who had an aggressive cancerous tumor on his femur. Between diagnosis, a 15-hour surgery, and remission, Feiler faced his demise and the fact that death would leave his young twin daughters without a father at critical points in their lives to offer guidance, coaching, values, and wisdom. With the full support of his wife he took stock, wrote a letter to 6 friends asking them to be the council of dads for his girls, to listen, answer questions, take them to lunch, go to soccer games, indulge them, see to their needs, offer advice and be tough as Feiler would have been, to stand with them in times of crisis, help them make critical life connections, tell them what their father would have thought and assure them of his pride – in short, Feiler asked, “Will you be my voice” (pg. 4). The Feiler's settled on specific guidelines: no family members, men only, intimacy over longevity, a friend from every phase of Bruce's life, and men who could capture and reflect the important aspects of his life.
While The Council of Dads is a remarkably sensitive and insightful meditation on living beyond the threat of death, it lays out a way of life that is not just oriented toward death, but to life that is meaningful and purposeful, rich with deep friendship, great fun and joy, and the blessings of being a father and a man. It offers a model that is a truly masculine way of being in the world and of being a dad – a model that transcends the familiar notions of a band of brothers, beer buddies, and soccer dads. An invitation: in June and July, read The Council of Dads, fill the margins with your thoughts, then, as you leave church today hand me a slip of paper with your name and email address, and in August, I'll convene us for an hour or so over refreshments exploring the kind of men we want to be and the fathering we most want to offer our children. In fresh ways, with new strength, and together we'll create our unique ways to embody the Divine Father's example of the “Love that knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope.”
Having made that pitch to dads, and without starting at Feiler's theme of death, I invite moms as well as dads, women as well as men to read the book and consider using the gifts of this beloved community to create councils of moms, councils of dads, councils of men, and councils of women that will under gird, strengthen, and support the values and practices we try to live as Christians day-by-day.
Sandy Gottesman, who has three children, seven grandchildren, and ranks in the 300's of Forbes list of billionaires, once said, “Men are not born fathers. Men grow into fathers – and fathering is a very important stage in their development” (emphasis mine). Gentlemen, we're on a role! Happy Father's Day and God bless you!
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