When the Bible speaks of following Christ do you imagine a life of sackcloth and ash, or of prophetic confrontations with injustice and indifference? Perhaps you think of idyllic days spent in sacred places listening to Christ’s wisdom, witnessing revelations, miracles, blessings, and mystery.

How do you experience yourself as a disciple of Christ? I’ve asked a few church members and some post-Church friends who do not attend church but are practicing Christians, to describe their experience of discipleship.

Generally, they talk about daily demands that complicate discipleship: too busy at work, lots to do and not enough time to do it. Most want to pray or meditate, or study Scripture, or help the needy but feel that they lack the discipline.

A friend talked about the burdens of dogma, doctrine, and the struggles within denominations that make her distrustful of being a disciple in the Church. Another person wished for a discipleship that brought joy to his life and purpose to his work.

Well before his martyrdom at the hands of the Nazis, pastor/theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote, "The real trouble is that the pure Word of Jesus has been overlaid with so much human ballast -- burdensome rules and regulations, false hopes and consolations — that it has become extremely difficult to make a genuine decision for Christ." Where the Church places such heavy burdens, Christ’s grace and the possibility of discipleship are eclipsed.

What "human ballast -- burdensome rules and regulations, false hopes and consolations" keep us from devoted discipleship? There are obvious ones: time priorities and developing a spiritual practice. What "ballast" do we tolerate in our lives that challenge God’s grace and keep us from being free? Do we read the often-misquoted translation in the Bible calling us to be perfect and then strive for perfection? Does greed masquerade in the guise of "providing for my family"? Do we see Christ’s love and grace as conditional and therefore ourselves practice a qualified love and grace?

"Human ballast": I think of the Presbyterian battle to judge and deny Christian homosexual persons full participation in the Church. When the Church busies itself with judgment rather than welcome and exclusion rather than inclusion that denomination is no longer an agent of God’s grace. I think of the human ballast of the Roman Catholic hierarchy that protects and defends priests who are sexual predators while trying to shift blame to youthful victims. Where’s the grace?

I am thinking about the "false consolation" that Bonhoeffer called "Cheap Grace." He wrote, "Cheap Grace is the deadly enemy of our Church. We are fighting today for costly grace. Cheap grace means grace sold on the market like cheap…wares. The sacraments, the forgiveness of sin, and the consolations of religion are thrown away at cut prices. Grace is represented as the Church’s inexhaustible treasury, from which she showers blessings with generous hands, without asking questions or fixing limits. Grace without price; grace without cost!"

Ironically, Bonhoeffer’s theology was affirmed this week with the Pope’s apostolic letter saying, "It is clear that penitents living in a habitual state of serious sin and who do not intend to change their situation cannot validly receive absolution." Across the Church Universal, the challenge is to practice what we preach: cheap grace or costly grace.

Last Sunday, I said that judgment, guilt, and grace are work of God, whose embrace is infinite, healing, and redemptive. I said God wills that we be whole persons. The fact is that we are not perfect [thank God!]: we do or say things that hurt others, divide or injure, leave scars, or fail to embody a Christian ethic.

Guilt is to the soul what the canary in the cave is to toxic air. Guilt warns us that our behavior is compromised, our actions or words polluted, our values short of Christ’s standards. Grace is to the soul what food is to a starving body. When we open our hearts to God’s grace and begin to act differently, we are the beneficiaries of a grace that can remove every burden and free us to live fully in the Spirit as disciples of Christ.

I grew up with ‘grace’ as a concept — I could talk about it, think about it and read about it, but until I let go of a particular burden, it was just in the head. Grace is a matter of the heart and gut, something to be experienced. Grace is not a theological or philosophical concept or merely a benevolent word. It is neither the assurance of pardon the minister recites after prayers of confession nor a ritual absolution. Grace is not a law, it is a gift freely given by God who loves us with an everlasting love. Grace is the bond that unites each of us with Jesus Christ, personally, not abstractly.

I experience grace as the source of my true being. I know grace as freedom, and the fuel for my discipleship. If sin is separation, grace is reunion. If sin is brokenness, grace is healing. If sin is a burdensome weight, grace frees us and we can quit acting in ways that destroy our humanity.

Guilt keeps us from faith, its fear turns our hearts from Christ, and its shame prevents us from being whole persons and disciples of Christ. No matter what the guilt or its magnitude, we cannot escape grace. God’s grace is the path of return to faith; it is the end of fear, the start of freedom the return to discipleship. But we cannot escape or hide from it; we are bound to this gift for all eternity. In silent prayer, let grace flood into your heart, heal the wound, and end your estrangement.